I feel extremely responsible for the horrid tragedy of what had happened to that young lady. On the other hand at the time it took place I was in a furious temper; I had tried on this dress, and well…. it just didn’t suit me at all! Then the girl- had tried on the dress as if she was wearing it. And it just suited her. She was the right type for it. She was very pretty too- with big dark eyes. I caught sight of the girl smiling at Miss Francis- as if to say, “doesn’t she look awful”- and I was absolutely furious. That is when it all happened.
I lost all sense of what was right and let anger and jealousy fill me up to the direst cruelty. I said without second thought of consideration to the manager, “this girl had been very impertinent”. You see it didn’t seem so bad at the time. She was pretty and looked as if she could take care of herself. Well now I know well- ‘never judge a book by its cover’. However now it is too late! I cannot even go back to say, “sorry Eva Smith”, never mind helping her, thought if I could now that I know the great, vile grief I helped to cause this girls death, I would do all I can for her.
Oh why had this had to happen? I feel I can never go to Milward’s again- I noticed even this afternoon- I suppose some of them remember. I can remember that very night when the inspector came to our home, inspector Goole. He seemed a bit curious at first and said we had killed this girl Eva Smith. I didn’t really recognise the girl or heard her name before. I was astonished to know farther had something to do with this. Inspector Goole then came over to me enquiringly as he thought I was involved. I looked at the photograph; I just noticed I knew this girl.
I felt horrible knowing that this girl Eva Smith got fired from her job because of me. I didn’t realise at the time. Just because of that silly dress. I can’t comprehend why the others confidently assume that what had just happened has no meaning what so ever to them. Yes, even if this inspector Goole isn’t a real inspector, haven’t we all learnt a lesson form tonight? I remember what he said, how he looked and what he made me feel. Fire and blood and anguish. And it frightens me, the way they talk- as if nothing has happened.
Even if there is no girl in the infirmary, who has committed suicide by drinking a strong disinfectant, isn’t what we did still wrong? It doesn’t much matter who made us confess- and it was true, wasn’t it? Farther turned the girl out of one job, I had her turned out of another. Gerald kept her- at a time when he was too busy to see me. Eric used her for a stupid drunken evening as if she were an animal, a thing, not a person. And mother hardened her heart and gave her the final push that finished her- that’s what’s important- and not weather a man is a police inspector or not.
Well Eric and I have learnt a promising lesson that there are millions of John Smiths and Eva Smiths in the world. I shall never do something so careless and selfish again, and I pray that my parents and Gerald come to the same realisation soon, as I have done… before it’s too late. Whether or not it was me alone, or the fault of all of us. This streak of guilt shall saturate my soul for life, knowing that my selfish irresponsible actions played a vital part of the beginning of the end of this venerable, innocent young lady, Eva Smith.
Yet I can’t help feeling my actions was what caused her to become so desperate- that summer last year. It all is becoming clear now. It was my fault! Last summer from March all the way to September, Gerald was acting rather fishy. Which made me highly furious. During this time I felt he must have been having an affair, I couldn’t suspect anything else due to the fact of his absence. Now that I know the truth, I in some odd way rather respect Gerald, and now at least he’s been honest.
I believe that he had helped the girl out of pity at first, and it was really my fault for her getting to that state. But he isn’t the same man I sat down to dinner with- so I definitely must reconsider this marriage- and begin anew. If only I had done the right thing- this is such a rotten shame. I t simmers at the pit of my stomach and violently fizzes until it burns me from the inside out- and shows- (the guilt is not easy to overcome). It has ruined my life, not only mine but to think I was responsible for this girls suicide. Why? Why? Such a ghastly, sorry end……..